Non Sequiturs + Other Quasi-Funny Stuff #10

Unintentional humor from the Internet journalism realm — actual excerpts, published to the Web, in bold … though the all-caps headlines are mine:

SUPER BOWL: THIS DOES NOT COMPUTE

The NFL announced … that Super Bowl 50 will be graphically represented using numbers instead of Roman numerals, which the league has been using since Super Bowl V in 1971. … The league started using the word “Super Bowl” for the third game in 1969. Note: This news went public long before this year’s big game.

Let’s note the absurdity of what this excerpt actually says. First, a numeral is, by definition, a number. So the initial sentence above essentially says: …Super Bowl 50 will be graphically represented using numbers instead of Roman numbers.

This is, of course, nonsensical. Adding one word, however, would make the sentence work. Which word would you add? I’m going with Arabic, to wit: …Super Bowl 50 will be graphically represented using Arabic numbers instead of Roman numerals.

How about the second sentence? Specifically, this reference: …the word “Super Bowl.” Correct me if I’m wrong, but the name “Super Bowl” contains two words.

To fix this in accord with Logic 101 standards, I’d change one word: …the term “Super Bowl.” If you’re skeptical, here’s the Dictionary.com definition of term: “a word or group of words designating something, especially in a particular field.”

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DEPARTMENT OF REDUNDANCY DEPARTMENT

Look for Taj Gibson to remain a big part of the Bulls … as a sixth man off the bench.

Yes, this writer needs to review some basketball basics: Since five players start for each team, a sixth man always begins the game by coming — you guessed it — off the bench.

Hence the inclusion of the above excerpt in the Department of the Redundancy Department. You know, because it’s redundant. And unnecessarily repetitive. And … oops. Never mind.

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TWO TEAMS, ONE UNPLEASANT TRIP TO THE BATHROOM

Arsenal and Manchester City have thrown up some spectacular games in recent seasons.

Let’s keep it simple: Please, use a different choice of words than, you know, thrown up.

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MORE REDUNDANCY FOLLIES

Why he’s No. 1: In summary, a combination of athleticism and upside helped Josh Sweat edge out a competitive group to land in the top spot. … Sweat is a talented prospect who has demonstrated a competitive nature…

For the record, the context here is the realm of college football recruiting. First, we learn that Josh Sweat is ranked No. 1 in the nation (at the DE position, by the way). Then, we read this: Sweat is a talented prospect.

Since he’s among the very best prospects in the country, is it necessary to say that he’s talented?

I don’t think so either.

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SOCCER MISFORTUNE?

Unfortunately for Mexico, one of their strongest players in terms of blunting the attacks of opponents is Jose Juan “Gallito” Vazquez. His persistent play and constant movement in games were key for Mexico in the group stage, but he will miss the match against the Dutch due to yellow-card accumulation.

Huh? So let’s get this straight — the first sentence here says it’s unfortunate for Mexico that Vazquez is one of their strongest defensive players? Yup, that’s what it says.

I’ll make a suggestion: Move unfortunately to the second sentence, right after but — and call it a day.

P.S. Or, if you want to avoid editorializing, simply delete unfortunately.

© Bruce William Deckert 2016

Tags: Super Bowl, Super Bowl 50, Roman and Arabic numerals, Taj Gibson, Chicago Bulls, Arsenal, Manchester City, Josh Sweat, Mexico national team, Jose Juan "Gallito" Vazquez