Non Sequiturs + Other Quasi-Funny Stuff #13

UNINTENTIONAL HUMOR from the journalism realm: Actual excerpts from stories published professionally on the Internet are in bold — but the all-caps headlines are mine, along with my brief commentary in non-bold.

A HISTORICALLY SMART BALLPARK

• Baseball headline:
White Sox ballpark changing name to Guaranteed Rate Field

Apparently, this is the first time in sports history that a ballpark has changed its own name … unless the following headline revision is needed — White Sox changing ballpark name to Guaranteed Rate Field

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THE AMAZING FEET WITH 20/20 VISION

• From a football story on a running back:
His vision and feet allow him to see holes before they develop.

Unless this running back has eyes in his feet, something is amiss with this line. Perhaps you could say it’s poetic license … but since the context is sports journalism, not Sports Poetry 101, let’s go with the less-is-more approach — His vision allows him to see holes before they develop.

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AIRBORNE BULLPENS

• From a baseball story:
The veteran pitchers are scheduled to throw their first official bullpens Tuesday…

However you slice it, the pitchers who are throwing these bullpens could enter the World’s Strongest Man competition.

As baseball fans know, major league bullpens are comprised of two pitcher’s mounds, two plates, a bench and the walls that enclose the large bullpen area — unless bullpen as used here refers to a team’s group of relief pitchers, seven or eight men who weigh roughly 170-200 pounds each.

Either way, these veteran pitchers must be eating their Wheaties … wait, what’s that? You say I’m misunderstanding the meaning? OK, how would you revise the above sentence to make it clearer?

Actually, before you email me or post your thoughts, here’s my wild guess — The veteran pitchers are scheduled to throw their first official bullpen sessions Tuesday…

Is that what you were thinking too?

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WORST FOOTBALL DEFENSE EVER

• From a football story:
The Redskins didn’t cover or tackle in the secondary last year.

If this were actually true, how many tackles did the entire Redskins’ secondary have last year? Zero.

This is an example of a hyperbolic statement that might be voiced by an on-air analyst, but in writing it sounds absurd … to me, anyway.

So the editor in me is inclined to make this change — The Redskins had coverage and tackling issues in the secondary last year.

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DEPARTMENT OF REDUNDANCY DEPARTMENT

• From a baseball story:
He was scheduled to lead off and bat first … in the first of two exhibitions…

Baseball fans, help us out here — if a hitter is leading off, by definition he is batting first.

I’ll leave the edit to you.

Thanks for stopping by — and until next time, watch out for airborne bullpens.

© Bruce William Deckert 2019